


You're my happy thoughts

by tokyoghoul (vuittomlinson)



Category: Tokyo Ghoul
Genre: Angst, Anime, M/M, Manga, My First Work, TG, hide is a precious boy, hidekane, hideyoshi - Freeform, i cried, kanehide - Freeform, tokyo ghoul - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-07-01
Updated: 2017-07-01
Packaged: 2018-11-22 00:27:23
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,865
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11368776
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/vuittomlinson/pseuds/tokyoghoul
Summary: Hide tries to cheer Kaneki up after being sad and gloomy the whole day.It doesn't work for the first time ever.





	You're my happy thoughts

**Author's Note:**

> hi. this is my first really freaking angsty work and i'm really nervous about this but i hope you like it. this is also my first anime work and i'd like to dedicate this to my precious baby Hide who deserves way better than what he got. i'm called tokyo (literally, i'm not joking) and i hope you enjoy this piece of work :)
> 
> 　inspired by :
> 
> 「https://twitter.com/shafiqshawal/status/859544322210881537」
> 
> 「https://twitter.com/KanekiTweets/status/729316107513958400」

Kaneki dropped his bag as soon as he locked his entrance door. He sighed heavily, letting his keys drop inside the small bowl Hide got for his birthday when he was 8. “ _It’s useful, I promise_ ” were his words the very day he was given the special gift. Kaneki said he didn’t have to do so, but Hide insisted that he takes it because he wants him to have something small but meaningful from him.

It was probably at that exact moment Kaneki fell in love with Hide.

 He stared inside the mirror after washing his tense face. He leaned his head down on his arms against the sink, the water running from the tap casually splashing on his hair. He sighs of exhaustion and depression. He feels like standing there forever, letting time pass by without doing anything apart from feeling the cold water running down his head.He eventually got up and turned off the tap. He went to the kitchen to grab a box of milk before making his way up to his bedroom. He sipped on the drink, mind still full of thoughts and questions no one can answer.

 Living alone is quite scary for him sometimes. His thoughts are echoed again and again in his head that it actually feels like it’s being screamed somewhere. He squeezed the small carton before tossing it into the bin near his bed. He sat down, elbows on his knees, tired of everything in this world. He thoughtlessly cupped his face in his hands, mind never calming down.

He glanced up to his window and saw the dark sky of the silent night and made his way to pull his curtains together. His eyes accidentally saw the tiles of the roof and his immediate instinct was to climb outside to his usual, favourite spot that he visits whenever he feels upset.

“Why….. not,”

 He slid his window to the right and stepped his left foot out first. Hide told him to do so – _it’ll bring you good luck_ – but both of them weren’t sure if it was actually true. He climbed his way up, moving swiftly against gravity to his usual spot on the roof. He still remembers the first time they climbed up together. Both of them were pretty scared, but they got used to it in no time.

 Kaneki stared blank into the silent night sky. It was a really cold night, but it didn’t stop him from climbing up his usual hang out, which happens to be his roof. He thanked himself for wearing a thick sweater though, which only then he noticed that it was yet another gift from Hide. He sat down calmly, knees hugged to his chest. He always gets the best view from his roof. The roads were brightly lit by the light poles, the number of cars never decreasing despite how late the time was, and the people either walking around the streets or crossing over to get to the other side. The view is always clear from up here, but today, it seemed really blurry. No matter how bright the light poles shine, it’s still dimly lit to Kaneki. No matter how many cars move about on the roads, it’s still so quiet. No matter how many people he can see, it’s still so lonely.

_Why? Why do only the worst things happen to me? Why can I never have something good in my life?_

_What did I do to deserve a life like this?_

 Everything reminded him of Hide. His sweater, his roof, the vibrant music shop from his view, the park under the flyover, their favourite coffee shop, – countless. His eyes started to water when he was distracted by the sound of his window sliding open. His tears quickly dried up and he looked over to see who it was. No one other than Hide popped his head out and looked up.

“You’re up here?”

 His smile shined brightly like it always does. For a moment, Kaneki’s views were clear again. He watched Hide silently as he climbed up the roof with ease. It’s their usual hangout anyways, why wouldn’t they be used to it by now? A stone fell off the roof as Kaneki moved his hands to grab hold of Hide’s to pull him up. Hide sighed and joined Kaneki, admiring the night view that neither of them will be bored of.

Hide stared up at the stars, silently trying to count how many of them actually appeared tonight. It’s impossible though, since the sky seems to be full of them. Kaneki has other interests though, instead of the stars, he’s staring at _his star_. Sitting right in front of him, all smiley and bright as he usually is. The stare eventually weighed on Hide, making him turned his head to the right, facing Kaneki. His smile grew wider, automatically decreasing the size of his beautiful eyes.

 “I’m pretty sure the stars are way more interesting than I am.”

Hide giggled as Kaneki shook his head to wake himself up from the castles that he built in the air. He blushed abruptly and immediately – more like angrily – diverted his gaze to somewhere else. It fell silent again apart from the distant roaring of the cars on the road. Kaneki seemed to be really bothered and uncomfortable, but he can’t say that to Hide. Hide is his best person. 

Though he can’t stay silent. Hide shouldn’t be here, not tonight. He’s not supposed to show up ever again – not anymore.

 “Um, Hide, w-why are you here?

Kaneki forced himself to ask him. Hide tilted his head with confusion written all over his face. His face fell and a small frown overtook his eyebrows and his whole expression. “I can’t be here?” He pouted in complete confusion.

 They figured this place out when Kaneki felt really upset about something a long time ago. He still remembers Hide’s face when he found him on the roof. _What are you doing here? Get out of there! Come back down here, you weirdo!_ _I know you’re upset but please come back down!_ Since then, no matter how deep their fight gets, how upset they both were, they always call it a night after hanging out hours on that very roof. Kaneki shook his head wildly, knowing very well that his words came out wrong, but before he can speak again, Hide voiced his words again.

 “Are you alright, Kaneki? Something is bothering you. Is it me?”

 Fuck. He sounded so pure and beautiful, and fuck, how can he ever be the problem? Hide never brings trouble and sadness – not even once – but he’s not exactly wrong either.

  _He is the problem._

 “W-Why are you her-”

“Why did you come up here?”

 Kaneki shut his eyes trying to force himself to control his tears from pouring out. His hands flew to his face to wipe his tears with his sleeve before cupping his own face to suppress his cries.

Hide sighed and hugged his knees to his chest, mirroring Kaneki’s pose. He rested his chin on the top of his knees while patiently listening to Kaneki’s small mumbles.

 “You know, I always think about the things that makes me happy whenever I’m sad. Like, that time when you got me beat the heck out of my life, or when I took bites from your ice cream when we were younger while you were distracted by th-”

 “I can’t,” sobbed Kaneki. His face was still cupped in his palms. “I c-can’t,”

 The darkness from his palms took his memory back to earlier today, which was the day he never wanted to happen. His cheeks are wet from his tears, which remindedhim of the rain that poured down on him.

 The day of Hide’s funeral.

 He was staying under the shadows of the trees, not too far from the ceremony going on. Kaneki’s white hair contrasted with the suit he was wearing. His red and dry eyes have never showed as much sadness as they have now. This is it. His one and only person he had left, his best friend, his first love, gone. He thought he was strong after all the pain he went through. _After all the pain he went through._ From his mother, from his childhood, from growing up, from changing, his past, his future, his decisions, his choices, hi-

“Kaneki?”

He looked up to see Nishiki reaching his shoulder to give him a little squeeze.

“Hey, it’s uh, your turn to give an eulogy.”

Kaneki didn’t bother answering. He silently stared at the empty space going on inside his mind. His face was straight, hiding his pain as he always does. He sighed and looked down to the grass, tears started to fill up his eyes again before slowly moving forward to the group.

“T-Thank you all for coming to share out grief at Hide’s p-passing,” His voice feels swallowed, his mind feels blank, his mouth feels dry. “My name is Kaneki Ken, and Hideyoshi and I have been best friends s-since childhood. We spent nearly everyday together g-growing up.” He was trembling trying to control himself from screaming out loud.

Why? Why Hide? Why him? Why us? Why can’t we live happily anymore?

“Hide has always been there for me, no matter how far the world parts us, he will always stand up for me. He’s the only person I grew up with who doesn’t get sick of me.” He was obviously shaking by now, but he needs to finish it. One last thing for his best guy.

 “I wished I brought more happiness to him. I wished I made him happy as he made me. Hide, he was and will always be my happy thoughts.”

 The rain started to pour down on them, and Kaneki wasn’t covered by an umbrella but he continued. One last scarification for his best guy.

 “I got him attacked and hurt, I thought he would abandon me, but he didn’t. I didn’t contact him for weeks, I made him worried, I thought he would hate me, but he didn’t. I kept a secret from everyone including him, but he saw me fighting, and I thought he would tell everyone about me, but he didn’t. I-I finally told him I was a g-ghoul, I finally told him about what happened to me, I thought he would leave me,” 

Kaneki’s tears were hidden by the pouring rain. _Even the sky cries for you, Hide. Even the world misses you. I miss you._ He closed his eyes and looked up, letting the rain hit his face.

“but he didn’t.”

He was taken back to reality, in the cold night on the roof of his house, face still in his palms now wet from all the tears he needed to let out. He took a couple of deep breaths as an attempt to calm himself down from all the flood of sadness he suddenly went through.

“I-I can’t, Hide,” 

His eyes made their way to the empty spot Hide used to sit at. He closed his eyes and looked up, letting the cold wind hit his face.

“You’re my happy thoughts.”

**Author's Note:**

> did you cry? i hope you did. tell me if you did :p 
> 
> honestly i'm quite proud of this work but of course i'm going to accept your polite and criticisms! :)
> 
> please feel free to say hello to me at [twitter (katsetsky)](https://twitter.com/katsetsky) and on my brand new instagram which i created specifically for my written works and all which is [here (tokyowrites)](https://www.instagram.com/tokyowrites/)! it's a brand new instagram but i promise you i'll try my best to be active because i really want people to enjoy my work and to be able to communicate with you people!
> 
> thank you and i hope to see you soon <3


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